FIFA Apology Rules

"When you lose by 5 or more goals on the video game FIFA, you must write a considered apology to your opponent, publicly explaining why and how you have disgraced the beautiful game."

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  1. Apologist: Harry, Victor: Louis, Scoreline: 7-2

    Dear Louis,

    I would like to apologise for putting in such an inferior display during the 7-2 defeat to the mighty Saints. Having randomly chosen the exciting Swansea, I felt relatively confident taking on your Southampton side – how wrong I turned out to be.

    It started badly when just 6 minutes in, Vorm was inexplicably sent off leaving me with no choice but to replace de Guzman with my sub keeper, Tremmel. Gaston Ramires confidently converted the resulting penalty, and thus began an exciting, yet for me woeful, match.Read More ↓

    However, I believed my fortunes had changed when Fonte was sent off soon after, giving me an enticing free kick just outside the box. Audaciously, Tremmel took the FK, which hit the wall and nearly led to a breakaway.

    The brave Swans held on until a calamitous lapse of concentration saw Rodriguez score two just before half time. My misery was compounded when the great Jay Rodriguez soon after completed an excellent hat trick shortly after the interval.

    However, hope came in the form of another dubious refereeing decision – Hooiveld sent off for a minor offence, left you with 9 men ( myself being on 10). I capitalised on this, scoring two goals in quick succession, with Britton and Graham providing a glimpse of hope and chances of an apology pretty slim. Or so I thought.

    With the game in the balance, and a comeback on the cards, Southampton responded with a strike from Yoshida and then a superb solo effort by Lambert. At 6-2, the atmosphere was tense, resulting in my spurting rage and abuse at both my team (notably Tremmel) and the referee, who by all accounts had a bad game.

    I thought I had survived my fate when in the last minute Ricky Lambert narrowly missed a well timed volley inside the box. However, with the last play of the game, a cross came in from which Tremmel parried into the path of Jay Rodiguez, who capped off a MOTM performance by heading the ball in and sealing my fate.

    I would once again like to apologise for my pitiful performance, but would like to take the time to quickly acknowledge your unrivalled excellence and dominance on FIFA.

    Yours sincerely,

    Harry

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  2. Apologist: Peter, Victor: Bradley, Scoreline: 6-1

    My Dearest Son, It’s a proud moment for any Dad to see their son finally be good at something. At last the 5th March 2013 was a night I will remember for the rest of my life. You were incredible with your football skills. Read More ↓

    I am just SO sorry that your friends had to witness my poor FIFA efforts.

    Although I lost 6-1, watching you wiz up and down the pitch with so much precision was inspirational. I thought each one of your goals was beyond anything I’ll ever be able to do at my age. How you strategically positioned every single ball and player. WOW… The other five sweaty goals were good as well.

    At points during the goal scoring I kept forgetting I was playing such an important game. I would stand up in honour and put my hand behind my ears as if to listen to the reaction of the crowd. I know in my head I was chanting ‘Shaun Wright-Phillips, John Terry’s your Dad’ even though you heard me chant you f******sweaty B****** child.

    I would be so excited and happy if you dropped out of Six Form College and took up playing FIFA as a full time career. You talent is wasted on A levels.

    Just think about it PLEASE

    ♥ The Dad that thinks the world of you x x x

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  3. Apologist: Frosty, Victor: Sam & Tom, Scoreline: 5-0

    I have a confession to make. I don’t really know how to say this and i owe my family an apology but my perfomance on FIFA 12 was absolutely atrocious. i would love to make an excuse for this shocking outcome but I’m afraid the only reason is because I’m absolutely shit at this game. Me and Michael O’Loughlin lost 5-0 to Sam Goddard and Tom Nightingale. I understand that i seriously need to think about what i have done and consider the feelings of my peers. Read More ↓

    Mike and myself need to have a good long look in the mirrow and decide what it is we want from life before we can carry on living. This is a disgraceful loss and we don’t deserve to live in this great country given to us by our most gracious Queen. I would like to make it up to each and every one of my friends, peer and family, so if you would like a personal apology for this terrible act of FIFA then I would be happy to either send you an E-mail or hand write a formal apology to you. I’ll understand if non of you ever want to speak to me again and I’ll apply for a Pre Voluntary Release from her majesty’s Royal Air Force on monday for my actions. thank you for your time, although i don’t deserve it…

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  4. Apologist: George Anstis, Victor: Mateo Lewis, Scoreline: 6-1

    Dear the mighty and angelic Mateo, no words can truly describe the total and utter waste of time, space and energy that I am. I have no idea how I could have possibly thought that I was worthy of playing you at a game of FIFA, for now I know that even if you played as India and I played as Germany that I would have no hope of beating you. Read More ↓

    You were the USA, I was QPR, and my hubris in even thinking of using a team of equal star rating to you was simply unacceptable. My pitiful attempts to score in our battle was embarrasing for both of us. How stupid I was to think that I could play against a team with the almighty Clint Dempsey in its ranks and come out of the other side unscathed.

    Of course my idiocy was rewarded when he scored a hat-trick against me, with the eventual scoreline being 6-1, utterly embarrassing me and condemning me to the lowest circle of hell. I am unworthy of licking the dirt off your majestic shoes and I apologize for scoring against you, as it did nothing to stem the tide and may give a false impression of the utter annihilation that can not even be called a match. I am scum and i vow never to attempt such an idiotic enteprise as this again.

    Signed the unworthy waste of space George Anstis

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  5. Apologist: Amen, Victor: Ste, Scoreline: 5-0

    Dear Mr Greig with regards to our recent league game on Fifa, I wish to apologise for my unfortunate off day.

    Your influential passing in this match was too much for me. I hope you will accept my sincere apologies for wasting your valuable time and embarrassing me in-front of Sam Goddard Dan Deez Farrow and Tom Nightingale. Read More ↓

    However I hope you do keep in mind, in our second leg I will cost you the league, and allow Dave Roach to be victorious and snatch the league from your very hands that made me write this apology.

    Over and Out.

    A Very Disappointed Sherundi

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  6. Apologist: Edward Attwood, Victor: Sam Geldard, Scoreline: 6-1

    After a long day of lectures that I paid less than 0 attention in, I was invited by Sam Sam Patrick Geldard with Henry Milton to play a few games of FIFA, knowing that I wasn’t great I definitely thought I’d be able to beat Henry turns out I was wrong cause that specky, sloth looking Romanian gypsy beat me twice despite the fact I battered him twice whatever his goalkeepers been taking I want some cause he had absolute worldies. Read More ↓

    This however wasn’t the worst of it, I then had a final match with Sam, who in the first match I had more than matched but had taken right to the wire in the first game, I thought I could recreate some of the memorable moments and tactical excellence that I had put in at Tom Hitchman’s may come into play but it appears once Eastwood 16s own Peter Odemwingie Alex Piper beat me I have been on a downward spiral and been unable to perform this is not only on FIFA but also in real football including some rather upsetting slips that have caused me some serious issues including a horrific slip up down at UWE which caused me to get the prestigious award of 2nd dick of the day.

    The match was Brazil (Sam) Vs Holland (Edward) straight for the kick off Sam meant business he dominated the early play with a very well worked and albeit sloppy goal presented to Neymar turned my defender (from which I can honestly say I have seen milk turn quicker) by my god forsaken defending that I thoroughly and whole heartedly must say was just horrific to watch from start to finish it was a real car crash in terms of my attack which absolutely non-excitant and with no width I could only watch as Sam dominated me more than any of those backstreet dominatrix clubs of the Amsterdam Red Light District (not visited any but seems an appropriate metaphor) by Half time it was 4-0 and my rear end was in serious jeopardy with some supreme finishing by Sam utilising the Brazilian flare to score with Pato with a brace and Hulk with a wonder strike as far as I can remember, by this point I am unsure whether I passed out or if my mind just doesn’t want to remember it, the only stat I had done well on was with possession but this is because I spent so much time taking kick off after Sam took all my defenders anal virginities.

    I kicked off the second half and started as I planned to go on by having Van Persie run straight into my other attack though I don’t remember who he was because he only seemed to pop up when I needed a centre to be taken. Sam at this point had taken his finger off the trigger and was just toying with me and my emotions he went on to score twice more with Pato and Fred (how the fuck is he Brazilian his name make him sound like a elderly paedophile). Upon this the final stats showed I managed 4 shots how I don’t know and this I even saw my possession stat wither and die before my very eyes. So Sam Geldard I can only apologise for even having wind in my lungs after such a clinic, that masterful display has made me reconsider everything in my life, how I am, what I do and whether I should even be allowed to live anymore, you bested then beasted me and I should be ashamed, for this I don’t even know why I bothered buying a Playstation 3 or FIFA, your Ant Bush (from the tutor 5-a-side) like display was so brilliant that I can no longer sit on my desk chair is it goes straight through me. I am gutted and I feel sorry for you for making you do such a thing to me, cause you should be arrested for such violent scenes, nonetheless I am sorry and I whole heartedly apologise for being the worst human being to ever play FIFA in your Room, I am now off to sit the shower in the Fetal Position reminiscent of that naked Treacle in James Bond Casino Royale. I can’t reiterate how sorry I am and I know that words will never be good enough for you, please forgive me.

    P.S PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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