Official FIFA Apology Rules
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Lose by 5
You must write a considered Facebook apology to your opponent, publicly explaining why and how you have disgraced the beautiful game. This rule is typically enforced when the player has lost by any scoreline of 5 goals or more, in addition to the rule for your specific loss.
Lose by 6
You must refer to your opponent as 'My Lord' for the rest of the night and get them a beer on request.
Lose by 7
You must create a Facebook group entitled '[Your name] is SHIT at FIFA' and invite your entire friends list. The description must go into great detail about the loss.
Lose by 8
You must write a letter to your opponents parents, explaining how their offspring is superior to you in every way.
Lose by 9
You must ring a public service line of your choice (such as Dominos, 118118 etc.) and proceed to explain and apologise for your embarassing loss. The phonecall must last a minimum of 1 minute. If the other person hangs up before 1 minute is reached, you must continue to call other services until you have lasted a whole minute with one of them.
Lose by 10
You must send a Moonpig apology to your opponent (FunkyPigeon is also acceptable).
Lose by 11
You must knock on the door of a neighbour and proceed to explain and apologise for your performance.
Lose by 12
You must play your next game completely bollock naked.
Lose by 13
You must allow your opponent 13 minutes on your Facebook to do whatever they want (no changing passwords). All changes have to stay intact for the rest of the night.
Lose by 14
You must get a t-shirt printed with the words "I lost by 14 on FIFA to [victor's name] because I am shit." You must then wear this t-shirt on your next night out.
Lose by 15 or more
You must snap your copy of FIFA in half and upload a picture of it to Facebook and describe why you don't deserve to have it. You will then have a full week to think about what you have done before you have the right to purchase a new copy.
Score a goal with Joey Barton…
and your opponent must speak in a shit French accent for the rest of the night.
Score a goal with Chamakh…
and your opponent has to use a whole tub of hair gel.
Score a hat-trick with Neymar…
and your opponent must allow you to style their hair in the most fucked up way you can think of. This hairstyle cannot be altered for the rest of the night.
Lose to a John Terry penalty…
and you must photoshop your opponent into an image of your favourite team celebrating before you're allowed to play again.
Lose to a Man Utd goal in injury time…
and you must spend the entirety of your next game chewing a whole pack of gum.
Score a goal with Sergio Busquets…
and your opponent must play the next game lying on the floor.
Score a goal with Frimpong…
and you must use the word DENCH in every sentence for the rest of the night.
Score a hat-trick with Andy Carroll…
and your opponent must go into the nearest shop and purchase an item for exactly 10 times the displayed price.
Score a hat-trick with Wayne Rooney…
and your opponent must attempt to pull a GILF on the next night out (minimum requirement is to buy them a drink).
Score a goal with Stewart Downing…
and your opponent must write on EA's Facebook wall, explaining the glitch in their game.
Score a goal with Ben Arfa…
and your opponent must wear gloves for the rest of the night.
Score the winning goal with Torres against Barcelona…
and your opponent must do an impression of The Nevillegasm and upload a video of it to Facebook.
Score an injury time winner with Aguero…
and you must subject your opponent to an extremely loud and enthusiastic rendition of "AGUEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.................. I SWEAR YOU'LL NEVER SEE ANYTHING LIKE THIS EVER AGAIN!!! SO WATCH IT! DRINK IT IN!!"
Score a hat-trick with Balotelli…
and your opponent must write "Why always me?" in permanent marker on his forehead.
Score a goal with Balotelli off the bench…
and your opponent must play their next game with a bib/t-shirt/jumper pulled half way over their head.
Score a goal with Jay Spearing…
and your opponent must sing (or humm) the entire Pinky and the Brain theme tune for the rest of the game.
Score a goal with Jonjo Shelvey…
and your opponent must change their name on Facebook to "He Who Must Not Be Named" for the next 2 hours, posting at least 3 statuses in this time.
Score a hat-trick with Clint Dempsey…
and your opponent must write and perform a rap, describing how each goal was scored.
Score a hat-trick with Peter Crouch…
and your opponent must move and talk like a robot for the rest of the night.
Perform a successful slide tackle with Paul Scholes…
and your opponent must make a real-life yellow card and show it you, to correct the game's obvious mistake.
Score from a Michael Carrick through-ball…
and your opponent must walk sideways for the next 2 hours.
Score a goal with Marlon King…
and your opponent must add 'Woman-Beater' as their middle name on Facebook for the next 2 hours, posting at least 3 statuses in this time.
Score 2 goals or more with Lee Hughes…
and your opponent must post a Facebook status, describing how sorry they are for what they did, and that they never meant to kill anyone. The status cannot be removed or explained for at least 2 hours after being posted.
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